Snog On Thy Grave
by theyaremagicallydelicious
Summary: Ron is dead for no apparent reason. Harry and Hermione can't contain themselves at the funeral and snog on poor Ron's grave. But what happens when Ron returns from the dead to set things right?
1. Cemetary Snogs

AN: I'm warning you now, if you can't take a joke, get the hell out!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Chapter 1: Cemetary Snogs

Harry struggled to maintain his expression of solemn sadness.

It was difficult.

But the rest of the Weasleys were there and Harry couldn't very well show his true emotions in front of them. He heard Mrs. Weasley blow her nose behind him. He rolled his eyes and kicked at the dirt near the grave.

This was just as boring as all the other funerals he had been too.

Pretty soon people began to take off. Mrs. Weasley was the last to go and the only two people left were Harry and Hermione.

They looked at each other at the same time and burst out laughing.

"I was trying so hard not to look at you while that wizard priest was going on and on about how great that red-headed bloke was," Hermione said between snickers.

"Yeah," Harry said, smiling at his love.

"What was his name again?" Hermione asked frowning. "John?"

"Ron," Harry muttered. "I don't know why you can't remember it. Just remember RON – Ringleader of Nastiness."

Hermione nodded. "I always forget that."

Harry chuckled. "You'd think you'd remember him a bit. He was in love with you…and you seemed to return his feelings up until sixth year."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Harry, be sensible. No one falls in love while they're in school."

"What about Mr. and Mrs. Weasley? What about my mom and dad?"

"Quit being logical," Hermione snapped. "That's my area of expertise. You're just supposed to go around doing random acts of heroism and smile when people mention that you have your mother's eyes."

"Oh yeah," Harry said, remembering his purpose. "Do I get to do anything else?"

"Yes. You get to snog me and describe how I've changed to become a sexy model so that you could finally fall in love with me," Hermione read off of a piece of paper.

"Sounds about right," Harry agreed. He checked his watch. "Do you think we have time for a quickie?"

Hermione answered this by kissing him softly on the lips. They collapsed on Ron's grave and began snogging each other silly. Harry was amazed that he was doing this with Hermione, his best friend, the one he had deemed the thing he would miss most in his fourth year-

Oh, that was that other bloke.

-but still this was Hermione. Her long chocolate tresses were no longer bushy or frizzy because people with bushy hair couldn't be sex symbols and certainly weren't good enough for Harry Potter. Her eyes were the color of a newborn deer and since anyone over eighty pounds was the work of Satan, Hermione, of course, weighed less than this while still maintaining full, large breasts.

She was perfect.

They rolled around on Ron's grave making animal noises and assuring each other that they were, in fact, the best either one of them had ever had.

Not that had had anyone else. They were soul mates, after all.

Hermione stared into Harry's emerald, jade, olive, sea-turtle-colored orbs of wonder. He was so beautiful. Hermione treasured every second with him and only wished that she had discovered her love sooner.

"Ow!" Harry yelled.

"What's wrong?"

"You slammed me up against Ron's tombstone," he answered.

Hermione looked at the stone and read aloud, "Ron Weasley, The Boy-Who-Didn't-Live, 1980 – 1997." She paused. "Did you get that written on there?"

"Yeah."

"Nice."

Harry smiled at her. They had their entire lives to devote to each other…and their future offspring. It was going to be wonderful.

Suddenly the ground began to shake beneath them. Harry grabbed his sweetheart and held her protectively. No danger would befall her whilst he was there. The grave began to rumble and Harry and Hermione took a step back. They watched as Ron's tombstone spilt in half and right before their very eyes….

Ron appeared.

AN: Please review! More chapters coming soon!


	2. Shut Up Harry

AN: Thanks to all of those who reviewed!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter!

Chapter 2: Shut Up Harry

"No, no, no! This is not how things are supposed to be!" Ron shouted gripping his hair in frustration.

Harry stared at the boy whom he had thought had died a couple of weeks ago. "Are you a ghost?"

"Look at me you idiot. I'm as solid as you are. I've been given a reprieve," Ron said. "I didn't understand at first. But now…well it's easy to see why He wanted me back here. This is insane."

"Who's He?" Hermione asked, speaking for the first time since Ron had appeared.

"Who do you think?" Ron replied.

"Wow! You were in heaven? Was it nice there?" Hermione said rapidly.

"The view was good."

"Ah."

"How the heck did you make it in there?" Harry interrupted.

"What do you mean?" Ron asked. "I was a good bloke."

"Yeah right," Harry said.

"What did I do wrong?"

"Well…you…er…ARGUED with Hermione….and um….drank milk directly from the carton," Harry finished lamely.

Ron ignored him and looked at Hermione. "Heaven was nice. But there was one thing missing."

"What?" Hermione questioned.

"You."

"Awww," Harry heard himself say. "Wait! She's mine! We're in love."

Ron rolled his eyes. "Come on Harry. Did you show interest in her once before I died?"

Harry thought. Harry thought hard. "Yes!" He yelled triumphantly. "My jaw dropped when I saw her at the Yule Ball in fourth year."

Ron snorted. "Your jaw dropped when you saw me appear here. Are you in love with me too?"

"Well no…" Harry admitted.

"When your jaw drops it means you're surprised, you moron, not that you are attracted to someone," Ron said.

Harry frowned. "Well so what if I didn't notice her before. I noticed her now. We're in love."

"I love you sugarwand," he said, turning to Hermione.

Harry walked up to Hermione and kissed her softly. Hermione responded with a little less enthusiasm than she had before the sexy redhead had appeared.

Ron cleared his throat.

Harry spun around. "Sorry. I forgot you were here."

"Have you been listening to anything I've been saying?" Ron said. "This is WRONG! ALL WRONG!"

"Why?" Harry muttered, glaring at him.

"Because everyone and their mother knows Hermione and I are supposed to be together," he said softly. "Even God."

"I'm sure God's been wrong before," Harry said stubbornly.

"When?" Ron asked, narrowing his eyes.

"….um….he shouldn't have…er….rested on the seventh day…that was a bad decision…and-"

"Enough!" Ron shouted. "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."

"Show us?" Hermione inquired. "How?"

"Well He-Who-Resides-In-Heaven hooked me up. I've got some pretty nifty powers," Ron said cracking his knuckles.

"Yeah…like what?" Harry asked skeptically.

"I can show you the past…the future…" Ron said mysteriously.

"Like in A Christmas Carol!" Hermione yelled excitedly.

"What's that?" Ron asked.

"A book, " Hermione explained. "Three ghosts come and show Scrooge the past, present, and future to teach him a lesson. Of course…there's only one of you..."

"Well sorry," Ron muttered. "God didn't give me the power to multiply myself." Ron looked disgruntled at the fact that the one he loved was no longer impressed with him. "Did Harry ever come back from the dead for you? I think not!"

"That's not fair! I never died!"

"Shut up, Harry," Ron and Hermione said together.

The three of them stood there looking at each other for a minute.

"Well?" Hermione finally said to Ron. "Are you going to show us something?"

"Oh! Right!" Ron said at once. He closed his eyes and seemed to be concentrating and suddenly the three of them disappeared.

AN: Please review!


	3. Past and Present

AN: Sorry this took so long. Thanks to all of those who reviewed!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Chapter 3: Past and Present

There was a dramatic puff of smoke as they arrived at their destination. Harry went into a coughing fit. Ron and Hermione waited for him to recover.

"Alright, now what is it?" Harry asked. "What are you showing us?"

"See for yourself," Ron said softly.

The smoke finally cleared and Harry and Hermione realized they were in the Great Hall.

"Look, the Gryffindor table!" Harry shouted. "There we are." The trio watched themselves standing together. It was fifth year. The past-Hermione stood on her tiptoes and gave Ron a kiss on the cheek.

"So what's the big deal?" Harry asked. "She did that to me to…and EARLIER! I win!"

"But look," Ron said. "Look how I reacted."

The past-Ron was touching his cheek in amazement as if shocked at what had just happened. He left his hand where Hermione had kissed him as he walked with Harry out of the Great Hall.

"This shouldn't count," Harry whined. "We didn't get see my hot, steamy cheek kiss with Hermione after fourth year."

Ron rolled his eyes. "You want to see it? We will." He closed his eyes and the three disappeared again.

They reappeared at King's Cross Station. They watched their past selves saying goodbye to each other. Hermione leaned in and gave Harry a kiss on the cheek. Harry…

Did nothing.

"You didn't even react!" Ron shouted. "I was mesmerized, thank you very much."

"Are you kidding me? Did you see the passion, the emotion, the pure raw sexual tension all wrapped up in a subtle cheek kiss?" Harry asked. "We practically had sex right in the middle of the train station-"

"Actually, Harry," Hermione interrupted. "I have to admit that I didn't really have feelings for you there. I was just so worried about you and everything that happened. I thought you could use the extra gesture."

"Kind of like how I clapped you on the back," Ron said. "Unless you thought I was molesting you."

Harry glared. "Okay, all this shows is how the past proves nothing. Show me something in the past that actually tells us something important. None of this cheek-kissing crap either. I want rock-solid evidence that you two are destined for each other."

"Harry I don't need to take you in the past to show you that," Ron said gently. "I've always cared for Hermione in that way. That's why I always let her drive me nuts."

Hermione smiled. "That is true."

Ron gave a smug grin.

"I'm still not sold entirely," Hermione said. "Things change. We might have adored each other in the past, but that doesn't mean Harry and I aren't in love now."

Harry nodded and put his strong, Quidditch-toned arm around her tiny, size 3 waist.

"Okay," Ron muttered. "Just curious. Why do you two feel you belong together?"

"Because we love each other!" Harry yelled. "And we both have messy hair…and we…erm..have the same initials…you know…HJ."

"So you're going to bond over your shared love of expensive tangle-reducing shampoo and the letters H and J?" Ron asked.

"Hey, I defeated Voldemort," Harry told him. "I deserve to have a nice quiet life away from the press, barring my professional Quidditch career, of course, and raising a family of beautiful green-eyed book-loving children with my wonderful wife."

"But your kids would have horrendously messy hair," Ron said. "Won't anyone think of the children?"

"That's true," Harry muttered. "I didn't think of that. Marrying Ginny would save me quite a number of Galleons on hair potions for the tots."

"You need more evidence?" Ron asked. "I will show you the effect your choices are having on other people right now."

The trio disappeared once more and this time found themselves at the Burrow. A girl was crying on her bed.

"Ginny?" Harry said uncertainly. "Why is she crying?"

"She misses you Harry," Ron said sadly. "Don't you remember? You were together for quite a while. You were very into each other. I don't even know why you went after Hermione."

"Well you died," Harry said. "I couldn't miss my opening."

Harry walked over to Ginny. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"She can't hear you," Ron said softly.

"Oh, Harry," Ginny whispered to no one, wiping away her tears. "I am glad that you're happy, even if it is with someone else."

"How very Lifetime movie of her," Hermione said.

"Hermione!" Ron scolded. "She's heartbroken."

"It's not like Harry's the only one on the planet for her. She'll find someone else," Hermione pointed out.

"What about soulmates and all that crap?" Ron asked her. "What if Harry was Ginny's?"

"I'm logical," Hermione stated. "I can't believe that soulmate nonsense."

"Hey!" Harry shouted. "What about our soulmatey love of soulmatey goodness and our soulmatey romantic dinners, and who can forget our soulmatey sex?"

"Harry, what I did to you last night had nothing to do with our souls."

"Ah," Harry said, "but it did have something to do with mating."

"Well we only have one more stop to make. I have one more thing in my arsenal that will hopefully help you two to see the truth," Ron told them.

"The future," Hermione said.

Ron nodded. "Let's see what your future is like without me, without Ginny, without the people you two were destined to be with."

AN: Please review!


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